My dear readers,

Answering Remaining Questions from Calvary Pandan Church Camp 2024 (3)

Question 1: Do you have to develop feelings for someone to marry him/her? Or is it biblical to marry someone for the sake of the “married” status? (Eg: to become a pastor, a helpmeet after a spouse’s death, for someone serving full time, etc.)

Answer 1: In biblical times, when Isaac met Rebekah in Genesis 24 for the first time, it was only marriage based upon common faith in Christ. There was no prior meeting first to develop any feelings. On the other hand, Jacob (Isaac’s son) met his wife Rachel and the Bible described it as “love at first sight” in Genesis 29:10-20: “¹⁰ And it came to pass, when Jacob saw Rachel the daughter of Laban his mother's brother, and the sheep of Laban his mother's brother, that Jacob went near, and rolled the stone from the well's mouth, and watered the flock of Laban his mother's brother. ¹¹ And Jacob kissed Rachel, and lifted up his voice, and wept. ¹² And Jacob told Rachel that he was her father's brother, and that he was Rebekah's son: and she ran and told her father. ¹³ And it came to pass, when Laban heard the tidings of Jacob his sister's son, that he ran to meet him, and embraced him, and kissed him, and brought him to his house. And he told Laban all these things. ¹⁴ And Laban said to him, Surely thou art my bone and my flesh. And he abode with him the space of a month. ¹⁵ And Laban said unto Jacob, Because thou art my brother, shouldest thou therefore serve me for nought? tell me, what shall thy wages be? ¹⁶ And Laban had two daughters: the name of the elder was Leah, and the name of the younger was Rachel. ¹⁷ Leah was tender eyed; but Rachel was beautiful and well favoured. ¹⁸ And Jacob loved Rachel; and said, I will serve thee seven years for Rachel thy younger daughter. ¹⁹ And Laban said, It is better that I give her to thee, than that I should give her to another man: abide with me. ²⁰ And Jacob served seven years for Rachel; and they seemed unto him but a few days, for the love he had to her.”

Therefore, it is up to the individual to decide, but the biblical marriage criteria remain unchanged. Both parties have to be born-again believers of the same doctrinal position, because there is a life after marriage that is more important than the day of marriage. Bringing up children in two different churches is a nightmare and will bring confusion to the home. The couple must accept each other’s calling to serve the Lord. For example, if the husband is called to full-time service or as a missionary overseas, and if the wife cannot accept that, it will be a serious problem.

Marriage, although ordained by God before the Fall of man into sin, is also a calling like singlehood. One must not enter into marriage to fulfil some external criteria for ministry. To be ordained as a pastor in the B-P tradition, the individual has to be married unless the person is called to be single, like the Apostle Paul. The pastor does not have to remarry if his wife is called home to glory. It is up to the individual.

Question 2: Despite the phrase “till death do us part”, why are some widows still addressed by Mrs (husband’s surname) even though their husbands have passed away?

Answer 2: The phrase “till death do us part” means that the marriage will last as long as both parties are still alive. Since God is the giver and taker of life and God ordained marriage, He alone can end a marriage. The end of a marriage allows the widow or widower to remarry if he so chooses.

How to address a person after widowhood is up to the individual. If the widow still wants to keep her husband’s name and be called “Mrs so-and-so”, it is her prerogative. There is no hard and fast rule. Similarly, there are some young ladies who still hold on to their surnames after marriage in their workplaces (husbands permitting), perhaps out of convenience or some other reason.

Question 3: Proverbs 13:24 says, “He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.” To what extent does disciplining a child count as child abuse?

Answer 3: Proverbs 13:24 teaches early discipline of children. The phrase “betimes” means “early.” Every child is born with a sinful nature to sin, as they are conceived in sin. As the child grows, he becomes more aware of the seductive power of the world because of the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes and the pride of life in him. Before entering the age of accountability (which varies from child to child), he will exhibit the works of the sinful nature, such as lying, tantrum-throwing, selfishness, jealousy, etc. This “early period” is the biblical time to discipline the child, before he crosses into willful sinning.

Discipline means showing the child an alternative path other than the path of sin. Christian parents know this path, for they experienced it when they accepted Christ. It is the path of holiness in Christ. They should provide a Christian environment for their child to experience this holy path outwardly before the child becomes a believer and experiences holiness inwardly. Discipline has many levels, from mild to severe. The mild discipline includes admonishment (soft tone) and rebuke (louder voice). If verbal discipline does not work, the discipline can increase to revoking privileges or something the child may like to do for recreation. If that does not work, the rod of discipline or correction will be used as the ultimate discipline. To avoid the danger of “abuse,” parents must bear in mind that the aim of using the rod of discipline is to correct, and not to punish. The parent is unlike a judge who dispenses a fair punishment on a criminal without considering to correct him. However, the parent is like the judge in that the discipline has to be fair, and not be dispensed out of anger. Any level of discipline meted out of anger will be excessive. This provokes the child to anger. Ephesians 6:4: “And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” Excessive discipline may result in too harsh an action, leading to an injury requiring a doctor’s treatment or even hospitalization. Then, abuse has occurred, intentionally or otherwise.

Emotional abuse (which is not life-threatening) might be worse than physical abuse. The physical hurt heals more than the emotional. When parents scream and yell at their children in uncontrolled anger, the abuse is emotional. Children naturally adore their parents and seek to please them above others. The deeper the love, the greater their desire to please their parents and seek their approval. Therefore, when parents scold them without a just cause, or scream at them in rage, the children will feel the trauma and suffer the impact of their parents’ anger. Parents must repent before God and apologise to their children when that happens. With God’s help, they must prevent such outbursts from happening again. When anger is managed well, and discipline is dispensed judiciously and fairly according to Scripture, it will drive the child to God in Christ. He will experience the love of Christ through the love of his parents. God’s promise to every faithful parent is that when their children are disciplined early, they will not depart from their faith. Proverbs 22:6: “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”